The Archetypal Brass Band


Eb Soprano cornet: Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.
Principal cornet: Conceited - uses too much vibrato.
Second man down or "bumper upper": Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
Third man down: Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
Fourth man down: Like the third man down, only louder and thicker.
Repiano cornet: Waiting for a chance to play principal.
2nd cornets: Hesitant, out of tune but can play a bottom C.
3rd cornets: Loud, out of tune but can play a bottom G.
Flugel horn: Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn.
Solo horn: Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or a female player.
Tenor horns: Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: Useless player, out of tune all the time.
2nd Baritone: Even worse player. Only there to show what the first Baritone could do if he tried.
Euphoniums: Show-off and trainee Show-off.
1st Trombone: Steam driven. Rasps most of the time.
2nd Trombone: Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo.
Bass trombone: Chainsaw with vibrato.
Eb Basses: Look like two drunken farts.
Bb Basses: Sound like two drunken farts.
Percussion: Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good.